This is a specially made video by Vikki who has been severley ill with ME herself. It is very moving and poignant and i think highlights how the illness M.E. can affect young people very severley. I hope it also gives a sense to those that are that ill, that they are not alone in what they are going through. Please watch it if you'd like to.
Watchin this video today was emotive and i just felt like adding a bit about my own experiences in this post...
"On a personal note"... As many friends and readers know i became ill in my teens with M.E. too and have been on a deep and vast healing journey ever since, one which i continue even as i am writing this blog. This journey has been about seeking ways to survive the bad and turn my life into something better, to get back to living, to be happier and to be able to express in the world, love, make a difference, share my life with people and contribute to it again.As well as about searching for answers and meaning to the more spiritual aspects of life, which living with severe illness can make you question. Over the severe years, as with those in the clip above, it has been about a need to stabilise, to eat,to speak with someone for a few moments or to sit up for a few minutes or to walk a few steps.I had two long spells like this one of 6 years and one of 4. I have friends who have improved alot, i have friends who have improved a little and i have friends who are still as ill.All of us have one thing that unites us -and that is Hope.
I don't have pictures from alot of the times as ill in bed through the 90's but in this picture i was able to partake in the day of my birthday in Jan 2005,as tho i was still bedbound i was a little better..
I prefer to name it as a healing journey rather than that i am sick or ill because this is a personal choice to see whats happened to me in this light. It is a journey that along the way has taken me to some great lows and gifted me with some great blessings,such as the friendships i've made and the relationships that i have with my close family. Its not what i would have expected of my life but for some reason beyond my mind, i just feel that things happen for a reason and ultimately there can be good and healing come out of anything even the most horrible.
Though a purpose to everythin i don't believe we are meant to suffer for the sake of suffering, but something can come from it.. like alchemists make gold. Its a process thats different for each of us, and its a journey that is not confined to this one life we live in the here and now. It stretches out universally and encompasses who we are collectively and who we are in the deepest parts of our own soul. In many ways even those of us who are not physically sick are still healing something it just maybe in a different area of our lives or hearts. Maybe the difference is when it becomes very physical its impact cannot be avoided, and so the need to heal is greater and more upon our minds.
picture summer 2003When we are sick we can so easily judge ourselves or push ourselves. With ME in the past, it was not always fully understood by the medical profession,so in turn it can cause this judgement to come from those who are either close to us, or those who know nothing real about us. But the greatest task is to not hold that type of judgement against ourselves or take to heart any cold and heartlessness from others. For what anyone healing needs most of, is of course the opposite of judgement,and that is unconditional Love and understanding. Compasssion in its most pure form.
There are alot of books about healing, i have read many that have helped me along the path and i have healed in so many different ways. Yes, i believe there are always ways to help ourselves because to become whole again, is not based purely on the physical level. It is by its nature something that needs to include the whole of the person, body, mind, emotions, soul and spirit. We can often heal from a condition in the most profound and necessary ways. It may at first only be on one of these levels, and then we can see that impact on the whole of us,leading even to be reflected in a physical upturn.
We just have to do what our heart tells us is needed,then regardless of what the outcome is, this means that we are partcipating in healing. I think from my own experience, its so important to not feel powerless to change things and participate in making a differance to getting better. We still retain choice, even if those choices are very limited at times,they can be something as simple as the choice to feel a certain way, to remain optimistic and turn our attention to whats right rather than whats going wrong.
(picture below from summer 2006 when i began to improve and had a first trip out to the riverside..Healing is unique to everyone, even within the same illness, we may be drawn to let something go,like anger or a trauma, to forgive, to re-gain safety, turn from fear, listen to where our 'song' needs to be heard, or change direction and all of these things heal and benefit who we are. The next step is to surrender and trust what comes from that. Overall in our lives we just have to do what we can with the path that presents itself to us, whether we are ill or not, don't we.
Sometimes we can and do alter our circumstances, improve our health, create relationships or more abundance. Other times there seems to be something else in the way that needs healing or living through for a deeper reason. We cannot always understand the why's and thus can't control everything. Its what makes it scary at times but also what makes us trust.Its just what life is about. Somehow we have to find our own peace at the centre.
this picture is a collage that i kept on my doorto keep my spirits strong and my dreamsIts just sometimes when you're out of control its a scary thing and so stressful which isnt exactly the best conditions for recovery. i guess the key is to get a balance and see areas that you do control and ways in which you can help yourself to feel that control back again ,otherwise the worry and upset make you sicker....and maybe the worry and things i had through the start of this year that tipped my balance and i havent been so well physically since. I havent been out for nearly 6 months now,but it just needs time to turn around again. But i believe it is and will continue to do so for me.
The experince of living through ME for what has been over half of my 33 yrs now, has taught me so much. Its opened my heart to value whats important far beyond what i may otherwise ever have encompassed. Despite living in one room for pretty much an entire 12 yrs i sometimes look at my life and think how full it has been of real experiences, treasured moments and lasting friendships and think how rich it is and how truthful. How deeply i have felt love and been loved.
There has been so little energy at times not even enough to turn over in bed,(as thats how to an outsider i would describe ME,in very basic terms- that your battery is flat-or nearly on empty and doesnt fill, now imagine what you can't do without power to draw on-everything takes energy!)so that what was spent had to be done so carefully and with full awareness, and was so much more taken in and appreciated.And when i get to do that bit more, as i have in recent years, i value it so highly!
this picture is from March this year...i would like to feel more myself again like this soon, as its been a tougher year than i would have hoped, but recovery is as it is, and things can get better again.
Its such a gift, everything about life thats good,and it is so much more good when you have experienced the bad. And many of you reading, whatever your bad stuff has been, i know you will relate to my words and that you too chersih all that is good, the simple tiny things that make life worth living. we hold onto them and we wish them for those who are less fortunate,maybe more ill than we are, and we send those of you our love and well wishes in your healing too. in love and light kathryn x
